Online Courses: An Improvised Play With a Lonely Horse, a Search Warrant and a Ten Percent Royalty

Okay, welcome to the Dearing Acting Studio Improv Podcast, where we have the coolest song of all time. Probably way too cool for this improv podcast. That's like a smooth jam, bro. It is a smooth jam. I'm loving it. So I'm here, my name's Matthew Dearing, I'm here with Joey Sweeney and Jason Jackson. Hello, sirs. What up, everyone? All right, so we're going to do some improv for you, which means we are making up everything you're about to hear.

And we're going to go with, we're going to get a suggestion for this. All right. Joey. Yes. Why don't you pull up your Google search history? Okay. This is where the dimples come out. Uh-oh, what did I search for? All right, go back to five searches ago. Okay. All right, so in there is going to be the title of our show. Okay. All right, and you can, you can, you can pick anything, but it's got to be, you can only use words out of that search. If you want, if you want help, you can read the whole search out to us or you can just pick it. Movement and emotions in scenes. Dearing acting studio online courses. Okay. Let's go with, uh, should we just go with online courses? Online courses. I like it. All right. That's the title of our show.

Online courses. We're going to find out what happens. This is the Dearing acting studio. So this, this got very jazzy by the way. Yeah. I, uh, I still like this. I really like, I feel like I'm looking at really cool cars as I listen. Yeah. Yeah. Like this is going to totally, yeah, exactly. Like really high class. Like honestly, I don't belong in the room. Gunball rally kind of cars. Like, oh yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like my wallet's not quite fat enough. Not at all. Like, yeah. And everybody knows it, but I'm just like, okay, pretend like you belong. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, honestly, I only listened to about like the first 30 seconds of this. All right. So it's online courses. Is that right? Online courses. All right. Here we go. Honey. Yes. Wake up. Oh, oh yeah. It's 930 already. Babe.

What? 930. You said you were going to get up and feed the horses. Babe, why? You, you know, it's your turn. Oh, you're right. Oh. Thank you, honey. Good morning, Seymour. Time to wake up, boy. Brr. I'm hungry. Brr. Boy, Seymour. Hungry, huh? Brr. So hungry. Brr. Here's some, uh, here's some kibble for you, boy. Boy, you know, you, you, you, you, you're poor like a kitten these days. Brr. I'm turning into a house horse. Brr.

A house horse? Brr. Yeah. Like a, like a domestic animal. Brr. Uh, okay. Okay. Okay, Seymour. You're not letting him in the house again, are you, honey? No, Megan. I'm not. All right. Brr. I don't like her. Brr. Well, we're married. You're going to have to get used to her, Seymour. She's not going anywhere. Brr. I know. I know. Brr. Wake up, Seymour. Look, I don't come all the way out of here to feed you in the morning for you to fall asleep. Brr. You fed me. Brr. 45 minutes late.

You're saying you want me to leave? Brr. No. Brr. What's going on, buddy? Brr. I want, brr, a female acquaintance. Brr. Like a, like another horse? Brr. Yes. I, I, I, they, they, I, I get it, but I, I totally understand, you know, but I, I don't know if you understand this, but horses, I don't know how to explain this. Um, they cost a lot of money. Brr. And, and I, and I know, I know how you feel, you know, you shouldn't be bought or sold and. Honey, Silverado's not trying to talk you into buying another horse, is he? Uh, no, babe. And how many times I told you, it's Seymour. The name Seymour, babe. Brr. She doesn't. Whatever. Brr. No, my name. Brr. She does. She just does that to get under your skin, Seymour. Brr. Look, you can't let that bother you. Brr. It wouldn't bother me if I had a female acquaintance. What, what? I shouldn't be saying this, but why don't, why don't we let you out? You can go out and explore a little bit, see if you might be able to meet, meet somebody. Brr. For real? Brr. Yeah. I mean, if you, if you brought a girl back here, you know, I'd be fine with that. And as a matter of fact, if she comes under her own free will, I guess we wouldn't have to pay to have another horse. Brr. That's a great point. Brr. Then maybe, maybe Megan would, you know, she'd be okay with, with me having another horse. Brr. Thanks, Chip. Brr. You're my best friend. Brr. Well, you're mine too, buddy. I'm, I gotta tell you, I'm gonna miss you. And I'm, I'm putting a lot of trust here that you're going to leave and actually come back. Brr. Yeah. But you will come back. Brr. Most likely. Brr. Wait, wait, what do you mean, what do you mean most likely? Brr. I'll be back. Brr. For sure, for sure? Brr. Like 99%. Brr. Hmm. I don't know if I can take a 1% chance of losing you, buddy. Brr. You're being really selfish right now. Brr. I know it. I know I'm being selfish. I get it. I totally get it. But I'm also in the position right now. I mean, I'm not working. I'm just, I'm home a lot. And I, it matters to me that you're running. Brr. Chip, I'll come home. Brr. Can you set like a date? Like a time? Brr. Wednesday. Brr. The 27th. Brr. At 4.30 AM. Brr. That's four days from now. Four days from now is right. Brr. And you, and even if you didn't find a girl, you'll come back by then. That's our deal. Brr. Yes. All right, Seymour. I'm gonna let you out. I trust you. I love you, Seymour. Brr. Goodbye, buddy. Chip. Yes, Megan? Seymour's not in his pen. No, I let him out. You did what? I let him out, honey. You what? Look, he was lonely. He needed some time. I trust, I trust, I trust Seymour. You let Seymour leave the house? I did. I let him out. He needed to get out. He, and you think he's coming back? He said he was. I see it in his eyes, honey. You ever heard the horse face lie? A term comes from a place. Where does that term come from? I've just, horses lie. But I saw it in his eyes. He looked, he looked like he was being real to me. I want to, I want to think I could trust a horse. I mean, me and Seymour, we go way back. We, baby, baby, don't be mad, please? You know, I know I mean to Seymour, but I like Seymour. If he doesn't come back, I'm going to hold you accountable. You did this. Honey. Honey. I need to Seymour, Seymour.

I understand. I got an empty pen out there. But Seymour needed to see more lady friends. Excuse me? Seymour needed to see more lady friends. I saw what you did there with that word alliteration. I'm just spinning it back on you. What would he do with a woman anyway? He might. I mean, a, a, a, uh. He might fall in love, honey. And I didn't want to force something on him. Plus, you know, we can't afford another horse. There's a mare next door. Couldn't we just hook him up with her? I'm not that kind of owner, honey. I told you that so many times. But he'd be here now. Of course he would. But then, then, you know, then he wouldn't, he wouldn't be here by choice. Babe, babe, let's just, let's just go inside. All right? Okay. We can argue over breakfast. You make me breakfast? Seymour better come back. How do you like scrambled or over? Scramble would be nice, honey. I'll, I'll grab the eggs. Thank you. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Hi. Uh, hello. That's a nice ranch you got here. Thanks.

Uh, you're intimidating looking. It's just a look. I'm actually very timid. I was a house horse. You know, before that, I didn't even know that was a thing. It's not supposed to be a thing. I would consider it animal abuse, actually. To be a house horse? Yes. What? Oh, well, I, I had a horse. I set him free. I, I, but, but he was striving to be a house horse. That was his goal. But it wasn't me trying to make him a house horse. I promise.

Well, I don't think that's right. So, so what, what brings you around these parts? I mean, uh, shouldn't you be, shouldn't, I mean, do you, I don't mean to say this, but don't you belong to somebody? Nope. I am, uh, on the run. You're on the run? Did you do something wrong? Uh, no, I just didn't like my owner. So I ran away in search of a brand new owner.

So you're on the run, but really casually on the run because there's nothing really to run from. Is that what I get? Yes. It's, uh, more of a gallop. And you're, uh, you're a stallion. Is that right? Pure bread. All right. Well, I mean, I got an empty stall right now. My, my horse Seymour, he, uh, he's out there trying to find his, uh, well, a lady friend, if I'm being honest, Seymour, I know him. You do? How do you know Seymour? You've been around here? We went to school together. You did? You went to, you went to horsey school together?

Yes. Yes, sir. Huh. He was always the kindest of the breed. Oh no. Who is this? A horse sounds like a horse. Who is it? Hey guys. Hey, hey, what, what are you doing over here? What's your name? Jolene. Oh, Jolene. Hi. You, uh, you sound old. Are you old, Jolene? 26 and a half. That's pretty, pretty old. I think. I'm getting up there. Yeah. The old dog food factory might be calling my name. Oh, that's really sad. We don't talk about that around here, not in these parts. I'm comfortable with my mortality. Well, good, Jolene. I'm glad about that. Look, uh, horses, I don't know how you got my name or anything, but I, I don't have, I don't have room for everybody. You know, I mean, I do. I see an open pen over there. Well, there is, but that's for my horse Seymour. See, and, and I was gonna, I was gonna let, uh, what's your name?

Angelica. Oh, Angelica. Angelica. That's weird. For a stallion, your name's Angelica. Hey, Angelica. Beautiful white locks of hair. Yeah. Southern as they come. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's a female name and you being a stallion, I just didn't know. That's hot. Oh, I'm a female. So you're not a stallion. Well, I'm a stallion, but I think, I think you, I think you're confused here, Angelica. Um, so a stallion is a boy horse. I mean, this is what people say. All right. All right. I didn't mean to offend you. I didn't mean to offend. Look, you're, you're, you can be, can I, should I just call you a, a, a horse? I'll just say you're a horse. You know, I'm still here. Stallion. Yes. Hi. Yeah. Look, I, I have one pen. Okay. Look, if Megan catches me out here talking to you two, I'm gonna get in trouble. Yeah. Let us fight to the death. Can't be your own man, can you? Wait, wait.

Um, first of all, hey, hey, try not to attack my manhood. I mean, I'm just trying to be. I'm just saying who calls the shots around here. Well, she does. It's true. But I'm just saying like, did you miss that, uh, that Angelica wants to fight you to the death, Jolene? I mean, you're not worried about that? I've dealt with stronger. I don't know. She's a stallion girl. She's closer than to death than you think. You know, I'm not into picking on mares. Hey, Jolene, can I ask you a personal question? Yeah. Were you a smoker? I'm still trying to quit. So you're still, you're still a smoker. I understand. Look, so this is kind of what makes her not a purebred. I was the marble man's horse. When he died on me, I didn't know what to do. I understand. Yeah, that's tough. He died on you? That's crazy. He died on me of lung cancer, ironically. Wow. Well, I didn't know about that. That's, that's real. Look, this is a- I got the Marlboro saddle and everything. I see that. Yeah, that's a pretty saddle. That's really nice. I'm not taking it off. It means too much. Yeah. So it's been on there since he died? Oh, that's kind of gross. It's kind of become a part of me. Yeah. It's like a wedding ring, except it's around my back. Sure. I think it looks stuck to you, too. Look, I, I don't know how to tell you this, but this is a non-smoking facility, Jolene. So, I mean, if I had a pick right now, I'd have to say Angelica's going to get the spot temporarily until Seymour comes back. I, uh, we can't share the pin. Oh, no. Oh, jeez. Oh, I gotta go. Megan, get the door. And I'm not here. Hello. Uh, hello there, ma'am. What is your name? Megan? Megan. Megan, I, uh, I am Deputy Officer McGee, and, uh, I have this here search warrant to, uh, investigate your home. Chip! Ah, Chip, Chip. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Chip! Hang on. Megan, what did I say? What? What is this about? Officer? I don't know. Hello, officer. Thank you for being here. What's going on? How can we help you? I am, uh, Deputy Officer McGee.

I have a search warrant. I don't know what you've been up to, Chip. Hello? For you, Chip, Regressional III, because of animal harboring, uh, your neighbor has reported you. What? My neighbor? Look, my neighbor's rough on his animals. I, I'm nice to my, I let my animals out. You do not have, uh, over 4,000 square feet in this here home, and, uh, that is what is required to own a horse, and, uh… Wait, Officer McGee, I'm, I'm gonna be clear about something. I have to have 4,000 square feet in my home to have a, a horse in the backyard? Yeah. I told you you couldn't have that horse in the house. I know, I didn't have the horse, I didn't have the horse in the house. I didn't have the horse in the house. And what is this here horse hair? Well, I mean, that fell off me. You know, the horse was trying to come in. The horse wants to be a house horse, but I told him, I, I, I didn't know about that. I never had a horse inside the house. So you wouldn't mind if I, uh, took a look around your home?

No, of course not. I keep, I keep the horses inside the home. That's weird. All righty. That'd be a weird thing, Officer McGee. Let me, uh, just, just do a little search here. Careful with that. Hey, that, that's my mama's. It's a protocol. I gotta look through everything. I know, but that's a framed picture of my mama who died. Why do you gotta pick that up? There's not a horse, clearly. It's really, really important that I do that. Hey, hey, what, what is that? What are you doing? And what's your, what's your deputy doing over there? He was just, uh, taking a sip of that there beverage that you have. Well, it didn't have to make all that noise and make it take a sip. Well, he was making sure there was no horse residue on that can. This one's good. Hey, by the way, that, that's, that was my beverage. Sir, sir, sir. If you could just restrain yourself, sir. I am restrained, but can you just stop drinking my drinks, please? My open drinks. I'm drinking my drink. Chip, are you threatening an officer right now? I feel like he's threatening an officer. No, I'm not threatening. I know. I'm not threatening. I know. I think we're going to have to take him in. Look, I didn't, I didn't do nothing. Sir, I feel like your, your voice is a little aggressive here. Randy? Yes? Get the handcuffs out. Wait. You get it. Wait. I'm sorry. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you in the court of law. Do you understand your rights? Chip, do you, do you have to say the rest of the Miranda rights? I have a, I have a question. Can I ask a question? No, you can't ask a question.

We're in the middle of the Miranda rights. Chip, please finish the Miranda rights. But why do you always got to bust me on this? You know I only know half of it. But hold on, if Chip, if, if, if Chip, his name's Chip too? No. No, his name, I forgot. Randy, it's Randy. Randy. Jeez. Jeez. You can't remember my name and you want me to remember? Your name's Chip. Look, look. Chip, either way, you're coming down to the station with us. All right.

All right. I'll come. Willingly, I will come. 100%. Gentlemen, I got no problem with that. I just got a question. Seymour's back. Well, that sure looks like a horse that you got in your house right now. Seymour. Boy, that horse is giving you a stare. I'm back. Just like promised. Seymour, your voice got brighter. I found happiness. I'm glad, buddy. Look, Daddy's going to have to go away for a while. These officers are taking me in. They, they think I've been harboring horses in the house. Let me talk to them. Well, it's not going to help, Seymour, because you're in the house right now to try to help me, but that doesn't help prove the point that I don't let horses in the house. Chip is a good man. He's always taking care of me. And only a few times as he slept in, instead of feeding me. I've only got one question for you. Go ahead. Anything. Do you sleep in the house? No, sir. I sleep in that pen right there. McGee, this ain't going to hold up in court. He's got a witness.

Shoot the talking horse. Well, I mean, because the horse is technically the victim in this case, we can't really argue it. And you also beefed up the Miranda rights, so we can't make a legal arrest here. Sorry to disturb you, Mr. Chip. Thank you, Officer McGee. I appreciate it. Make sure that you keep working in cooperation with the law. I 100% will, Mr. McGee and Randy. Thank you for your time. Really appreciate you being here and doing such a good job. You got away with one here today. You really did. All right. Thank you. Thank you both for being officers of the law. All righty. We got to go to a different call right now. Have a nice day. There's a chihuahua that bit a cat. All right, baby. Hey, Megan. Yes. I'm sorry, honey. You were right. You were always right. I don't know why you don't listen to me in the first place. You were right. And I'm ready. Okay. I'm ready to make the move. Could you say it again? I'm ready. I'm ready to say I'm right again. You're right. You're 100% right. That feels good. This whole this whole thing is bringing too much attention to us.

I'm ready to make the transition like everybody else. We're going to start training online. We're going to do online horse training courses. Okay. I'm glad you finally committed to this choice. I'm ready. I'm ready. Hey, Seymour. Yes. Do we really have to have him in the room? Well, he's part of it, honey. He's going to be a part of the show. I just feel like he's always staring at us. I feel very attacked right now. We need him for the online courses, honey. Seymour, I'm sorry about that. Okay. Here. I guess I understand a little bit. Look, we have this idea. Okay. And it's just a way to make some extra cash on the side. We haven't had clients lately. I'm wondering, would you join us? We want to do online courses. We want to teach people how to take care of their horses. We'll charge a moderate fee. Online courses for horses.

Yeah. We're going to demonstrate so they can do it at their house. We'll show them at our house. Megan, hold the camera. I'll be the face. Only if I get 10% royalty in perpetuity. That makes sense. I told you he was a diva. Hey, that's fine. 10%? That's a good deal. She's barking up the wrong tree. My offer is not going to be here for long. All right. We'll take it. We'll take the offer. Honey, quiet. We're going to take the offer. Thank you, Seymour.

You're welcome. All right. Online courses it is. And scene. All right. That's our scene. Thank you so much for listening. This has been the Dearing Acting Studio Improv Podcast, where we listen to jazz, apparently. I feel like it's a very hip jazz.