Fighting for a Positive Mindset: Ask What’s Good, Let People Be Your Hero, and Tough Love on a Bike

This is the Dearing Acting Studio Podcast, where we discuss the connection between life and acting. Okay, Vicki Sweeney, how are you today? I am fantastic, Matt. You look fantastic, I gotta tell you. Well, thank you very much. Tell me, what's going on in Vicki Sweeney's life? Well, there's a lot going on, Matt, actually. Good, tell me about the good stuff. You know me. I do, you like to hear the good stuff.

You know what, I don't even like to hear the good stuff, I just like to focus on the good stuff. So I don't mind like a brief, like, oh, here's a couple bad things. You heard this in class the other night. Yes, I did. So, honestly, I said, hey, what's good? And someone's like, I got a bunny. And I was like, cool, what's the bunny's name? Tell me about the bunny.

What color's the bunny? Well, it's cool about the bunny. Then I go, what's bad? They're like, oh, this. I go, bummer. Because it's like, I'll acknowledge that that sucks. I get it. But we don't need to dwell on it. We don't need to talk about it. We don't need to keep bringing it up, you know? So, and that could be a lesson for you, too. Because when you bottle stuff up, you can think to yourself, okay, I actually do need to release it.

I should be honest. I just don't need to, like, go into detail. And then tell me this. Because, and this is something that my, I've got a guy that we all kind of hang out with now. He's our barber, actually. And he's a really spiritual dude. Have you heard about this guy, Paul? Yes, I have. He's awesome. And so, Paul has this, like, thing on his wall.

I'm sure you've seen it before. But it's the idea being, be careful of your words. Be careful of this. And it, like, goes backwards all the way through to your actions. And then eventually it gets all the way back to your thoughts. And the idea being, what you think about ends up becoming your reality. And it's so hard because we think, like, I don't remember what it is.

But, like, thousands of thoughts per day. And then whatever you give attention to, whatever you allow to come out and sort of, like, become a thing, you end up attracting that, like, more of it into your life. And so, once you understand you have this power and that, I mean, and, you know, we can even go into faith. I mean, my, I grew up Catholic. I believe in a lot of the Catholic doctrine.

I actually prefer the Catholic church to the non-denominational church. I prefer it. The things I like more about it, I like the way they take communion. I like how serious church is. I prefer the music. There's a lot of things I like better. A lot. The only thing for me is, in either direction, I just don't believe in a church. I believe in Jesus Christ and I believe in God.

And I believe that every religion is man-made and men are not perfect. So, you know, Grandma would have probably never known this, that I prefer the Catholic church. But to have a happy marriage and different things, it was, there's so many things that are just a fine line for me that aren't really that different that it doesn't bother me. And we'll go, and when I go to the Catholic church, I feel very comfortable.

And I've had to make myself comfortable at the other church. But at the end of the day, like when you and I are working through stuff and we're tapping into the Holy Spirit, I think whenever it says right in the Bible, whenever there are two or more gathered in my name, that is church. So I believe sometimes you and I are having church in the front room, you know, and when someone's helping me, like that can be considered church, you know.

So anyway, long story short, my faith is Catholic, Father, Son, Holy Spirit. I believe that with my whole heart. And so I believe the Holy Spirit lives inside of all of us. Like that is that intangible thing. And that's the thing we can tap into. And God doesn't want us to punish ourselves. God is inside of us. The Holy Spirit is inside of us. So God doesn't want us to do that.

But there's another spirit inside of us, too. It's always trying to drive us into negative and dark and those things. And basically, it's like whatever I focus more on is what I'm going to attract more of into my life. I totally agree with you. I, as you said, raised Catholic. There's just something about the church to me. And I know it's a church and it's a building, but I'm Catholic outside of that building.

Yeah. I, I believe in their, their doctrine and what they say. And, you know, the Bible, a lot of people have condemned me because I'm Catholic because I don't read the Bible. Like I don't sit down and someone will say, oh, you know, Corinthians two, three, whatever. And I'm like, you know, if you say a passage, I will. Sure. But I can't just rattle it off or say, well, see, and I think that those people are wrong.

Well, I just, I do. I don't, I don't say you're wrong because you sit down and totally read the Bible all the time and get, get whatever. I get more out of my prayer life, what I feel that I do to other people and what I've learned. And, and every time I go to church, it's like, it builds me up. You listen to this, the spirit like moves me and it says like, you'll listen to something and, you know, let's take a couple of weeks ago.

And they were saying, you know, that you should forgive, you know, and look what God did. You know, he, you know, everybody didn't really believe him as apostles, you know, disciples, they were like, you know, this isn't real. And then it's like, they had to see it or not see it to believe. And yet you have to have that and you have to forgive. I mean, he was crucified in the most horrendous way and pain.

And yet he forgave everybody. And I mean, how do you do that? Yeah. You know, I get a little finger cut and it's like, son of a gun. Right. Ding, paper. And, and he forgave him on his way up there. Right. He forgave him during the beatings. He forgave him while he was hanging. I mean, it's, yeah, it is unearthly. It's, it's a, it's a type of forgiveness that honestly, it could be nothing other than God, which is another just example of, of maybe more proof that, that he did exist, you know, too.

Um, but yeah, no, I love that. It's wonderful. And then we have, you know, um, Mother Mary. And I'm very dedicated to that, you know, um, mostly too, because I, of course, a woman and I grew up in a family of all men, you know, I have all brothers and then I got married and had all sons. So, you know, you know, I look to her and pray to her for guidance and to be a better mother, be a better person and what she went through.

Yeah. You know, if she can go through that, you know, and people condemning her. Yeah. You know, then I think I can handle it. But I feel like earlier when you talked to me about things, I'm not the only person out there. I think, I believe now that does what I do. I, I thought it was very positive and it hurts when someone says you're not. Yeah.

Because all that I think that I'm doing and that people are seeing and the reflection of me has always been like, Oh, you're so smiley. Oh, you're so this or that. So upbeat, you know, how do you stay that way? Yeah. But I was hiding it all inside, not letting anybody know that inside I was dying. Yeah. A little piece at a time. And sorry. That's okay.

And, and, and, and yeah, it's so hard and painful to hear that. But what I think what's the most painful is knowing it's true and saying, Oh, wow. For the first time, maybe someone's holding a mirror up to my face and showing me what I really look like. And it's not what I thought, not what I expected, but I know that that's actually true. And, but then on the other side of that, there's hope because as you know, within the same breath, I said, and I'll just clarify for everyone listening here that I, I told Vicki, you're not a positive.

She said, I'm a positive person. And I said, no, you're not. And that sucks. That's a, that's a painful thing to hear. It's a painful thing to say. It's it's, I'd say it's even harder for me to deliver the information because I know that it's going to be hurtful in, in a certain way if, if it's taken that certain way. But then if you keep listening within the same breath, I said, you are one of the most loving, one of the most giving selfless people that I've ever met in my entire life.

So much so that it, that it might almost be too much, but, but, but maybe, maybe that's impossible that it could be too much truthfully, you know? And then it's different to be a pushover and that's a whole nother conversation about different relationships, but, but to be too giving to a stranger, I actually don't think that that's possible and hearing the stories that you've, that you've done, experiencing your love firsthand, because I have many times over growing up as a child, I remember how kind you've always been to me.

Um, I've seen you do it with family members. I mean, you, you're, you're the, you're the one that everyone can count on to be there guaranteed. And so you have that, I mean that, and that is undeniable. Even, even just the story I heard the other day, um, with, with, when you found out that, that, that cashier and you noticed something in her and you asked her about it and then she told you what was going on and, uh, her, her mother had passed and then you, the way you treated her and the way you, you gave her a card and you followed up with her and the reason why behind it, you know, connecting into her, that's so far above and beyond what the normal human being would do for another human being that it's just, I mean, it's incredible.

It's incredible that you remember to do it because I mean, I know for a lot of for me, I want to be that loving. A lot of times I forget, like I'll want to call somebody back and I literally forgot for two days and I, and I feel terrible about it, but it's, it's not on my heart the way it's on your heart. It's, it's an extraordinary thing.

And so I told you this the other night, but if you can learn to connect what you are doing right at such a high level with this other form of self-honesty, self-love and holding yourself accountable for the things that aren't perfect and then living into what you can be, you add confidence on top of that giving spirit. And it's like, Holy moly. Cause you know what? Like Jesus was giving in that way.

Jesus would give anything, but he was a pretty confident dude too. You know, like, like when he would, he wasn't a pushover. Let's put it that way. When the Pharisees would come up to Jesus, Jesus would, he would stand right up to him toe to toe. You know, he's not going to just get walked over. Um, I don't remember who, who, who was it that, uh, washed Jesus feet?

Do you remember? Uh, who poured the perfume on his feet that with a woman? I can't, I can't remember. I don't remember. It was Mary Magdalene or, or one of, one of the famous women, um, in, in biblical history. She, she poured all this very expensive perfume on his feet. And what did the disciples say? Do you remember? So they, they went after the woman and they said, they said, what are you doing?

You could be selling that and giving it to the poor. You know, why, why would you waste this? Like you're being very wasteful here. And Jesus was like, yo, chill. You know, she's, this woman is loving me to the highest level she possibly could right now. And you're going to, there's going to be poor people your whole life. You're going to get to hang out with you.

You're not going to have a chance to be with God like this at this high level, but, but more than tonight. And so, in other words, stop judging her for loving me in an extraordinary way is pretty much what God was saying. But again, you take this idea and going, Jesus wasn't a pushover and Jesus was honest about certain things and going like, this is the truth, not I'm going to stay quiet and pretend like it's not happening, you know, I mean, Jesus didn't bottle things up.

You know? Well, I definitely do. And, um. You did. And you're working on it. I'm working on it. Yeah. That's what I mean. Um, and it really helped. I think, uh, you know, after you said that, uh, I wasn't happy. Sorry. I'm not going to tell you that I was. And I was, and I'm, and I'm so glad you're not, I'm so glad you're not telling me that I was angry at you at first.

Cause I thought, you know, how could he say that to me after, you know, I've been, you know, in his life forever and, you know, I've done a lot for him and for the family and how I was looking at things, you know? And I said, and here he's saying, I'm not positive. I said, I, I don't know many more positive people than me. You know, I go out, do stuff and, and I, I feel like I'm one who, I don't like confrontation.

I'll admit it. Um, so I bottle it up and I am pushover. I mean, if you say, you know, I want to go here and I know I can't eat that. Okay. But I just won't eat when I go there, you know, and then later I'll grab a snack. I'm not going to push myself over on you and say, well, I'm on a special diet and I can't go there, so why don't we switch places?

I'll just hang loose and do my thing. May I give you a tool for that? Sure. Because I have a tool. So my theory on this is to give people a chance. And I think that if you just say nothing, you don't give them a chance. I don't agree that you should be like, oh, I'm on a diet and we need to go here. I, I'm annoyed by that too.

But if you give someone the opportunity to be a hero for you, then, then it's up to them. And, and how good does it feel when you get to give to somebody else? Well, you're not giving them that gift back. They don't have the opportunity. So if you set them up to say, you know, Hey, um, like we'll totally go there. That's no, no big deal. If, if there's any way that you, if there's any other restaurants that, that possibly could work for you, um, you know, I'm on this special diet.

It's no big deal though. But, but if, if there's any way and they're going to go, Oh, actually I didn't want to go there either. Whatever. And, you know, and then it's fine, but you give them this opportunity to be your hero, you know, and, and people will surprise other people about how good they are on the inside. Um, and how much they really want to give, you know, people want to give cause it feels good.

But if you don't, but if you're not off honest all the way and give them the opportunity to do that for you, then you're the only one giving and I'm giving to this person and I'm giving and I, and then, then your identity is I give, give, give. Okay, cool. But you don't let anyone else give to you and that's not fair. It's not fair to everyone who loves you because they want to give to you, but they don't know how because you don't tell them what's up.

I understand that. And, and today was a perfect example, really. So I was helping, um, Joey out a little bit and, uh, then I came over to the studio and then Joey's like, Hey, you know, couldn't do breakfast, but how about we do lunch? I said, Oh, okay. And so I thought we were going to go in the car, you know, and then he's like, we'll just walk this way.

I said, Oh, is Matt right here at Gilberto's? And he's like, no. I'm like, okay, so where are we going? Oh, we'll just, you know, get there over there when we get there. Okay. Are you thinking anything? Well, maybe pizza, something like, okay. And I said, he goes, pizza, okay with you? And I'm like, yeah, that's what you want. I go like, yeah, I could probably do pizza.

And I'm like, I probably have a breadstick, you know, and that's what I told them, you know? And so then we got closer and I kind of opened up. I'm like, Oh, but there is that Zipps. Have you ever been to Zipps? Yeah. And it was a closer restaurant, but it wasn't in their mind, but it was in mine, you know? Right. I really wanted to go there because I knew they had some stuff I probably could eat.

Yeah. And so then we met up with Matt, you know, you, and it was just like, hey, want to go over here? And it kind of seemed like you guys really didn't like Zipps at the time, so. Well, well, and let me tell you, I've had several bad experiences at Zipps. Okay. Okay. But I wanted to be your hero. You didn't give me the opportunity though. I happen to be exceptional at listening.

It's something I've worked at. It's a skill that I have. So I could hear deep down, that's where you wanted to go. And the other option was not a good one. And I could feel it in your spirit. I connected to it and I go, we're going to go there. Cause to me, it doesn't really matter. You know, the, the restaurant we choose, I'm not on a special diet.

There's nothing that's, I could care less, honestly. I just want to grab a bite to eat. So because it doesn't matter to me and I get the chance to make you happy, done and done. That's easy, easy choice for me. But if I wasn't so perceptive, you think you're laying down these hints, but people need you to just be direct. They need you to say it so that they get the opportunity to be your hero because they want to be at the end of the day that, you know, it shouldn't, it shouldn't have taken the whole walk for that to happen.

Cause then guess what? You could have given Joey the opportunity to be your hero and Joey could have stepped in for you, which he would have loved to do to go, Hey Matt, would you mind? And he could, I could have been his hero, but he would have been your hero and he talks for you and he said, Hey, would you mind? You know, I'd like to take my mom to Zipps cause that's where she can eat something.

If it's okay with you, I'd like to go there instead. And what am I going to say to that? I mean, there's no way I'm going to say no. I mean, it's amazing, but, but he needs the opportunity to get to do that. So all the beating around the bush stuff, you know, it's like, just get to the point. Get to the point. Yeah. Yeah. And I, I see that now, you know, and that's the little things that the studio and you have helped me with, um, I've always wanted to be a part of the Dearing studio because I always felt like I was a part.

I mean, from a young age, um, you know, I, I was in Wickenburg and I got transferred there and I got to teach and the opportunity in the arts was incredible for me. And I saw how incredible it was for me. So I passed that on to my sons and I think, uh, Kimberly and you and everybody came up and saw things and, and just grew from that, you know, and then I saw you, you know, becoming an actor and really getting into it.

But then, you know, it wasn't just the thing that you could see the passion after a while, you know, it wasn't just, Oh, he's changed to be an actor. Cause everybody wants to be an actor, you know, he's good looking. I actually think a lot of people thought, and I mean, people like family members, especially Leeann's parents and mine, I think, I think they might've thought it was a phase and they were just like, Oh, it's cute.

We'll let him do his thing and like run his little side business out of the doctor's office. And then he'll fail and get a real job. And then thank goodness. And then we'll find out what it's going to be. And little did they know that I just failure was, failure is an option. Quitting was not an option. It just wasn't. So I had a lot of side jobs, but that, but acting, the acting part was always my real job, you know, and everything else I did just to pay the bills.

But this was like, Hey, I'm never going to quit. I've already decided like it's done. And what we've manifested here is so far beyond my dreams back then. Like I would have never imagined a place like this. It's so cool. And now, now my dreams are much bigger, but I can only imagine 10 years from now, God willing, we're still here that it's even bigger than what I can imagine now, you know?

And that's the fun thing about growing and being willing to be wrong and be willing to think like, Hey, there's, there's probably more, you know? Well, and it takes that stuff. Isn't like a seed isn't grown. You don't put it in the soil. And then all of a sudden the next day you come in and the whole thing's grown and has a flower on it, you know, it has to take time.

And I use this as a reference cause I am a florist at Bashas' and I've learned a lot through that too. I use a lot of analogies, but that's a beautiful one though. You know, it's like, you have to have things, you have to know that things, you know, are going to take time. And I think that that is a lot for me is like, I, I'm very, whether people want to think it or not, I'm very organized.

I have a, this has to be done now. I would believe that about you. And I have charts and I have everything, you know, in a row. You know, it's funny when you say I'm a positive person, I said, no, if you would have said I'm an organized person, I'd have said yes. It's not like, Oh, that was just some random rock I found. No, it was like, Oh, that was the rock I found when I was walking with Brian the first time up the mountain.

And then everybody's like, why'd you keep it? It's just a piece of dirt thing. Cause it reminds me of that walk, you know, and I have those all over and I really love stuffed animals, especially singing ones. I've been noted for it and everybody laughs and jokes, but I do believe that when I give them, people remember me when, whether it's in, you know, put out on a shelf or not.

I just wanted to cheer him up, you know, and I saw this stuffed animal and saying, and had these little mariachi things. And so I just bought it and I said, he's not going to like it cause you know, jokes about these and I brought it in and I put it on the pedestal and I turned it on and started shaking and I mean, it brought light to his eyes, but I didn't see it in the closet.

Let me stop you for one second here because your son, Brian, he likes to put up a big front about how big tough Brian is. He's a little baby and he loves his little stuffy animals, so he got that from his mama. Yes, he did. I got to tell you. And, and, you know, and I think it's endearing. I think it's awesome that he's that way, you know, but, uh, but no, that's, that's wonderful.

That's so cool. Well, and I had him all over my room, you know, cause I moved in and we, when Brian was at my house, he was in the room. And then when he moved out of my mom's house and got a place, you know, on his own, then I took that room, you know, and so I had my stuffed animals over and I really was creative.

And then I came home from work and they were all gone. And I said, okay, so I'm missing here. And my brother, Mike, you know, he cleaned everything up for me because he thought that that was really cool. And so I'm like, I need my stuffed animals. Where did you put them? And he looked, look at the left side of your bed and there was this huge bin and they're all in there.

And he goes, you can say goodnight to them and do whatever, but they don't need to be all over the room. And, you know, I agree in some ways, you know, maybe I was overdoing it, but, you know, cause I had to make the bed and put 20 stuffed animals on it afterwards and take them all off. But it was just cute, you know? Yeah. But that's something I do and it's just from the heart, you know, but as far as organization, you know, I just, I feel like I need to get it done and I won't stop until it's done.

Right. And even if I stay up late or have to stay late, you know, it doesn't matter if someone's paying me or not, it, it needs to be done. And I love that about you. And I think that I got some of that from you or from the genes because I have that same mentality. It's like, if it's got to get done, it's going to get done or, or I'm going to die trying.

I mean, it's really, that's, that's my mentality. It's like, we're going to, we're going to keep going. And if I don't sleep, I don't sleep and I'll sleep tomorrow. I mean, I'm going to sleep when I need it, but, but I said this was going to get done. So it's going to get done or, or I'm going to literally pass out trying. Yeah. That's what I find sometimes, you know, I get so overstressed that because I'm so worried because, you know, this, I know needs to be finished.

Right. And, you know, whereas if I, maybe I took a minute and I could go back to it and I wouldn't be as stressed. And I agree with you. I think that's an area that I could grow in as well is, is knowing when to let go and when it's appropriate to keep following through with that. But I just want to add that you said something to me when we first met and, um, it, it struck with me, um, and it stayed with me.

Um, cause it was a different analogy actually about a balloon. And I was like thinking, where's he going with this balloon thing? And it was like, you know, you can't change people and you can't change where you were, but you can change who you are and what you do in the future. So, you know, you can still love people. You're talking about the bubble. Yeah. You can still love people and do things for them.

But, you know, if, if they're upsetting to you or whatever, uh, to try to not get so stressed over it, you know, put them in the balloon bubble. Yeah. And at first I'm like, I don't really get that, but then I, I did it and I kind of get it. You know, it's like, I mean, I still love that person and I'm not going to tell you it's easy and that I don't want to go burst the bubble and that I, I've kind of done it a couple of times and then I go back to, I better put that back in the bubble.

Well, and people are going to surprise you. There, there are, you're, you're, you're breaking through your, your bubble that I built for you right now. You're in the process of doing that, but whether you do or don't, that's what's nice about it is it doesn't affect me and I love you either way. So let's just say, uh, no offense. I put you into a, you're, you're a negative person bubble, a loving, giving, take your shirt off your back person, but, but when I, when that you would always have this like carrying negativity, then if you're doing that, it doesn't surprise me and I love you the best I can from there, but I don't try to change you.

But if you come and get curious and I can give you some tools and then you decide to do it on your own, what happens is your bubble expands. You still, you're still in a bubble. It's just your bubble changes and that's cool. And now you're in this new place and then we can speak and operate at a whole new level. I would love, I would love to share with you something, um, that I think will help you understand my, the way I come at things.

Cause it's, it's, I'm very, I'm, so you don't like confrontation. I, I don't like non-confrontation. I got that. I want to deal with it and I, cause I, I, I want to, I am to a fault. Like you're going to get the truth from me. I'm the Simon Cowell that's on the jury, you know? And so the thing is, you know, when I give you the compliment that it's the truth, so it feels really good, but I'm not going to tell you it's good when it's not, that's not who I am.

Uh, so I, I do the same though. I'm willing to do it for me. So I'll tell you a couple of things. First, first of all, uh, just the other day we were auditioning for a Disney job for the whole family. And it was basically Rosalyn was kind of the star and we had to do this 10 minute improvisation as a family, but mainly she had to answer all these questions.

And so we're doing the thing and she's answering the questions, but it's got to be 10 minutes straight, no cuts. I mean, it's a long time to be in front of a camera as a family and have a five year old perform without, you know, running away. And so we're about five, six minutes in and she's crushing it in my opinion. I thought she was doing a good job and Leeann stops her.

a five year old. And I was afraid she wouldn't be able to do it again. And so I was, I was sort of thinking of Rosalyn, but I was mad at Leeann for stopping the take. And I was like, babe, why'd you do that? You know, that's not going to, but, but what's interesting is because I, we were self taping, I pushed the record button and I had to stop the record button.

So I got to watch me be mad at Leeann for doing that. And I hated the way I sounded. I was like, wow, you are such a jerk, but I, I believe it takes a strong person to be willing to watch it, to suffer through the truth. And I, I must apologize to her seven times. And she's like, she said like, you don't have to keep apologizing.

And I was like, I just didn't know how nasty I was, man. I'm so sorry about that. And then thank goodness I have a wonderful wife, but she said she appreciated it. And she said, that's the thing that's so cool about you is you really do practice what you preach because you, you saw it, you didn't like it and you are trying to grow and take accountability for that thing.

So I would say that I in general am a more positive person than you right now, but you're working on it. But I would say hands down times a thousand million percent, you're nicer than me and you're kinder than me and you give more than I do. And you're more loving, like you think about those things. And for me, that, that it's harder. It's harder for me to remember to call my dad.

I love him to death. He knows I love him to death, but like that doesn't come as naturally to me as it does to say my sister, like Kimmy calls him every day and they have a thing and he wants to be like, Hey, why don't you call me every day? And I'm like, I, why don't you call me? I love you. I want to, I want to call you.

It's not that I don't love you. It has nothing to do with that. It's just, that's your, I, you're, I'm the guy you can count on to take care of the family. If something goes wrong, I'm the guy that's going to be there for you. I'm the guy that you can, we can take long walks and I'll get your mind right. Like I'll help you get positive, but I, I'm not the guy that's going to remember to call you every day.

But guess what I did? I set a timer in my phone and every day at two 30, it goes off and it says, call a family member or text somebody you love. And I do it 50% of the time, but the alarm goes off and reminds me. So at least I'm trying, like I'm trying, you know what I mean? And I'm willing to admit, I'm not saying I'm not a loving person.

I'm not saying I'm not a good person or a kind person, but I'm saying it's not easy for me. Like that's not, I wouldn't say it's like my essence or something. And I wouldn't say I am compared to you at all, you know? And so I wanted to just share that with you because I wanted you to understand that I say this a lot to people, but I don't, I don't think I'm all that great.

I don't, I just, I just let you know that I'm honest with you and I, and I try to be honest with me. And so if I say something to you, it's not to hurt your feelings. It's actually to help you grow because I want you to go, Oh cool. If I'm all these other things that are so great and this area could use work. If I think I'm good in this area and no one tells me that I could use work, I'll never get to grow in that area.

And I'm the person that's willing to love you enough to say, Hey, you could actually grow in this area and you don't even realize it because this and that are not the same thing. And I think that's totally true, Matt, because, uh, it didn't hit me because I didn't see it that way. You know, I was looking at what others saw in, you know, and what they would say about me.

So I, I didn't mind being so miserable inside and holding it in. And I, I, like you were mentioning earlier, I don't want to hurt people. So I'll do everything in my power not to get you upset or hurt you or cause you pain. And that's just, um, but sometimes, sometimes you have to know that the most loving thing you can do is to give someone tough love.

And the best example, this is the one I take with me everywhere I go. It's a, it's a, it's a really good analogy. I, and it's a true story. Taught my son how to ride his bike. He's a couple of weeks into getting pretty good at it. So we start to ride through the neighborhood slowly. We're figuring it out. This is our old neighborhood. We're driving up the, we're riding up the street and we get to a, a somewhat of a major cross street, not major, major, but there's, there's cars.

You can see them. And my son's oblivious to that. He doesn't know that yet, what that means. So I said, Jack, slow down. He's afraid. He, he, he doesn't kind of know how to break cause he's just starting. Jack, slow down. He doesn't slow down. I yell at him and he falls to the ground and he cries. And what does he do? Does he say thank you, dad?

No, he's mad at you. He's mad at me. Now, should I have yelled at him? Of course I should have. And he asked me, he said, dad, why would you yell at me like that? He's crying, holding his boo-boo, you know? And I said, Jack, if I had to, I would have pushed you off. And if that didn't work, I'd have thrown my body in front of you.

Because I love you so much, I'm willing to do that for you. And I helped him understand that. And I believe, you know, to go deeper, I believe that's what God does for us. God will rearrange our lives. And if we don't listen, he'll knock us off the bike. So he's trying to redirect us. He's trying to redirect us. He's giving us all these, like, hints. And if we don't listen, he's going to go, okay, Matt, I tried to warn you.

Now, you know what I'm saying? Because I love you so much, I know you're going to get hit by the Mack truck. And I tried to warn you, like, way back here to take this other path. You heard me say it. You know you heard me say it. And you chose this way anyway. And now you're forcing me to knock you off your bike. And that's the way I see tough love.

And sometimes I probably go above and beyond. Sometimes I do it too much, I'm sure. And I'm getting better at not giving it when people don't really want it or, you know, they're not asking for it because it's not helpful anyway. You know, that can just be hurtful. So those are the ways I'm trying to grow. But on your end, sometimes it's the most loving thing to have the confrontation.

And when you realize that, you go, okay, I don't have to be afraid of that thing because the end result is going to be good. The end result is going to be positive because it's coming from truth. I, you know, you've said a lot of things that, you know, it just hits your heart, you know. And one thing was about the phone call to your dad and such.

And I am good about calling people. I deal. You know, I call pretty much everybody every day and check in or write a text. But, and let me just really quick just talk to you about the phone call, too. This is a skill that I've, again, had to work on because, especially as a guy, but even just me, I'm a bit of an introvert, actually, believe it or not.

I'm an extrovert in my own space. So, here, I'm great. When I'm speaking to a room, awesome. If I go to a place where someone else is speaking, and I'm one of the crowd, I'm very uncomfortable. I just can't stand it. Yeah, you might relate to that. I'm the same way. So, I would actually consider myself an introvert. I don't like going to things. I would much rather stay home.

So, I have to force myself to go and do stuff. So, when it comes to conversations, I've had to get better at it. But the listening stuff that I've been working on and that I train other people on, it really helps because it's not about talking. It's about listening and asking the right questions. So, when you call one of the sons, you can't say, how's it going?

That's a lame question that's going to get you good. And that's why when someone says, how's it, how you doing? I say happy to be alive because, A, I am. And, B, I'm like, that's a lame question. You don't really want to know about me. Like, you're just throwing something to dart out there, you know. So, think about it this way. I said to the class the other night, what's going on good in your life right now?

Like, what's something good? It's a very specific question. And someone says, I got a bunny. And I said, what? You got a bunny? Yeah, I got a bunny. How did that happen? Oh, they tell me, what kind of, how does that, how do you get a bunny? Like, you know, what color is it? You know, you're going down this path. All of a sudden, they're talking about what's interesting to them.

And I didn't really say anything. I just asked questions, got one little tiny detail, and then I just sit on that detail. And let, because people actually do love talking about themselves. So, you get someone talking about themselves. All of a sudden, they're good. So, you take, I'll take one of your sons. So, you call Brian. And instead of saying, how you doing? You know, you'd say, hey, so have you done any public speaking lately?

I mean, he loves that. He's obsessed with it. Oh, yeah, yeah, I have. Where'd you talk? Oh, when was the last time? Where was it? Oh, how'd it go? Did you get any feedback? You know, what'd you talk about? What was the speech? And next thing you know, I promise you, he's going to be like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, because he loves talking about that stuff, you know.

But you have to be intentional about going, okay, I have a goal with this conversation. And it's not, it's not just to do the phone call. So that's, that's a thing to go, okay, how do I answer the phone, and what kind of reinforcement am I, am I giving? And, and we know this from, from psychology, and I think you probably studied some of this. You give the dog a cookie.

If the dog hasn't done what they want, that you wanted him to do, but then they finally do it, give the dog a cookie. Don't, don't yell at him, give him a cookie. So he finally went outside, went pee. I don't yell at him for that. I give him a cookie. And then the dog's like, oh, I got a cookie for that. Positive reinforcement. That's right, get a cookie.

So, so they call you, and don't, instead of focusing on how long it's been, you focus on the good, and like, oh, I'm so, I'm so glad you called. You made my day. Like, oh, you made me feel so good today. Thank you for calling. You just focus on gratitude, and you don't let that other stuff come in, because if you do, you'll be negative reinforcing, and they're going to be like, I don't want to call you.

You know, and this is a good, this is a great conversation, I think, for just kids and parents in general, because I know I struggled with this for probably half of a decade with both of my parents, because once you, like, leave the house, I don't know, there's no class on this. They don't teach you how to make sure that you maintain connection on either end. They don't teach the parents or the kids how to make this work, you know?

And the hard part is, too, it depends on how you're raised. Like you were saying, once you leave the house, some people leave early. Right. And later, and come back, or what have you. Who knows? I don't know that story in detail, but the idea being, hey, I did this thing, and I think that's where a lot of parents go wrong, and I'm, I, all I know is I'm going to make mistakes as a parent.

That's all I know for sure. So I try to tell my kids that early, is like, hey, I'm not perfect. That's where I, that's where I start with my kids. Um, but every parent's going to screw up, you know? So you just, you just realize, hey, my parents were doing the best they could. What I don't want to do is fall in the same trap, and a lot of parents do this, I think, is they, they want to protect their kids, and so they only know what they know.

So because I did it this way, I know what it looks like. I know the outcome. So because I know the outcome, it feels safer for me. So I'm going to try to push you down the way that I know, because I love you, and I want you to be safe. Not because it's necessarily what's better for you. It's just, I know for sure you're not going to die on this path, or at least, hopefully not, you know?

Right. Well, no, you've done that, and I think you might have misunderstood me, also, but the idea being, there's a part of you that would want your kids to go down the same path as you. Oh, sure. Because, because you want them to be safe, you know? Oh, yeah, correct. And then, and then you, you have to check yourself all of a sudden, and go, hey, just because that was best for me, or just because I went down that path, doesn't mean it's necessarily even safer, and, you know, not necessarily, like, I, I want, I want them And there are other friends, and this comes back all the way full circle to the beginning of our talk today, which might be a good place to end, but this goes all the way back to the beginning where here's this good friend of yours, and there are other friends who would just agree with you because they know you want to hear a certain thing.

And they'll just go, yep, oh, yeah, agree with you, blah, blah. And there may be family members that would agree with you and just jump on the same bandwagon. And then there's the friend who's going to tell you the truth and make you mad and tell you the thing you don't want to hear. But in the end, that's the person that is actually loving you the most if they are telling you the actual, like, hey, this is the gut-wrenching truth.

And I think as you grow, as you continue to grow and evolve and make those choices that you're making to become a better listener and to become more accountable and honest, not only those relationships, but every relationship you have is going to grow and deepen and become better because you're just going to, you're going to have a slightly different angle, you know? And I, and I, I say this thing all the time.

When you change, the people around you change or the people around you change. And I've seen it happen in my own life. And if, if some people leave, I still love them. Just like I, I still love the kids from high school that I don't know or talk to anymore. I still love them, but like we've both, we've all grown and evolved in different directions and that's okay.

So as I grow and evolve, some people like yourself are going to grow and evolve with me. Some other people are not, it doesn't mean I don't love them equally and I still love them so much, but they're on their path. And as some people make certain choices, like, okay, cool. Now we're, we're kind of at this new level where we can talk in a different way and that's really neat too.

And so the people around you just, it just, it's weird. Like your circle of friends and influence and it changes and you become the five people you hang around with most. That's true. You know, you do. So you, so you gotta be careful of like, Hey, who am I, who am I choosing to be my extracurricular friends? And are they positive people that are, that are, you know, pushing me up or, or are they negative people that are, you know, that, that have a downward outlook on life and they're constantly agreeing with me and, and helping me think negatively, you know?

And I think what you said about, listen, you have it written all over here in your studio and you say it all the time in class and everything. And I feel I'm a good listener because, you know, even like in a scene you would say, well, did you hear what they said? And I can repeat right back what they said, but that didn't mean that I was really listening.

I mean, I heard them. Right. I know what they said, but I was thinking about what should I say? That's right. You know, and, and you need to, you need to be listening to. How they said, and, and how is their body and all these little details. You didn't ask me that, you know, you just said, did you hear them? And I said, of course I did.

I'm listening. I heard exactly what they said. So I, so I take the note. I got to ask a better question. All right. This is a good place to end our podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you, Matt. This is the Dearing Acting Studio Podcast. I am Matthew Dearing. I'm here tonight with my aunt Vicki and we had a really nice talk.