Don’t Send a Pigeon to Eagle School: Non-Negotiables, Healthy Fear, and Getting Excited About Critique

This is the Dearing Acting Studio Podcast, where we discuss the connection between life and acting. All right, welcome back everybody to the Dearing Acting Studio Podcast. It is Friday night. We are doing a podcast here at night at the studio. This is after hours. What's going on? We got Brian and we got Joey here in the house, the Sweeney Brothers. Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. Hey, it has been a crazy day.

Yes, it has. There's been exhaustion. There's been craziness. And you know, we're doing this podcast. Why are we doing this podcast? Well, we're doing this podcast because it's a non-negotiable. That's why we're doing this podcast. That's exactly right. And the deal is, you commit to doing something. I mean, I'm having a ball. As soon as the music plays, Joey, because it's so good. You did such a great job with that intro. It's just like, I feel excited, but I'm supposed to have been home already. It's Friday night. I'm supposed to be home. My wife was expecting me. Like it was important, but this had to get done, you know? And it turns out that I was doing some things for her and it worked out, whatever. But the truth is like this podcast, I don't, it's like, you don't, you don't get to bow out. It's like, it's going to get done. Whether it be, I mean, I don't have to be on all of them, but there, there has to be a podcast that gets done. Totally. Yeah. We've, we've done them.

We've swapped out all of us at some point, you know, there's been podcasts with a mix of all of us. We've had guests like whatever, but it's a non-negotiable that we recorded on Friday and it gets done because it's a weekly podcast. So what's a non-negotiable? Why don't we talk about that for a second? Well, I did the end of the, that was cool. That was cool. I was working on, uh, reducing my buttons. So I'm still not great at this and I'm just working on it on the podcast. You need to start working on it. Not on the podcast. All right. So here's the deal. So the non-negotiable, cause Brian took too long to answer. I'm just going to take it back for myself here. The non-negotiable is something like brushing your teeth. It's the idea is you've decided that this is something that you do. It's who you are. You're not somebody who goes to bed without brushing your teeth. If that's a decision you've made, you do it every day and it just becomes this, this non-negotiable habit because usually you're, you're more afraid of the consequence than you are of doing the action. Yeah. Because who wants to get up and brush? I know I didn't want to brush my teeth last night. I had a late night date with my daughter and I didn't get home till late and I, I was groggy. Like the last thing I wanted to do was brush my teeth. Yeah. I mean, a lot of the time it kind of hurts to brush your teeth. I mean, especially with braces and stuff like, like it's, it's not exactly a fun experience, but it's super rewarding and super like such a blessing to have that.

Well, it's a rewarding not to have bad teeth. I mean, that's the reward. The reward is something you don't even get to see right away. It's the thing that you're setting up that you really want and you have, it has to be a big enough want for you. And you have to believe in the potential negativity of it not happening too. Because let's be honest, whether you brush your teeth or not, your teeth are going to decay. True. You're going to get old. You're going to fall out.

You're going to have dangers at some point. Yeah. Or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. They're going to get worse. So you're not making them better. You're not looking into something that's going to get better. You're just trying to delay the inevitable, right? Yeah. So you're more, it's more about the fear. It's more about you trying not to not have something or to lose your teeth early or something, right? Yeah. A hundred percent. It's that dedication of like, okay, let me install this healthy fear here and understand, like you said, like there's going to be times where it doesn't go in your corner and you mess it up and you have to be aware that that's going to happen. But it's about how bad do you want it? How important is it to you? And what's your why? You know, a great example of just don't want to test out. Exactly. So why do we test out other things? Like, why are we so just, you know, why can't we convince ourselves always to just do the thing that we know is going to be what's best for us? Right. And, and, and I think the reason is we're always as human beings, we are conditioned to take the easy way out. Biologically, we've been programmed to rest, to conserve our energy so that, you know, when we need it, you know, when we're in the wild and whatnot, that we've, you know, we've hibernated and whatnot. Well, we're beyond that now. Yeah. And so we have this biological impulse to sort of just do nothing, but we know that that's not in our best interest.

And so we look for the easier way out. We look for the easy thing to focus on. Um, and we convince ourselves that it's the better thing. And I think it's also, well, at least for me, it's, uh, it can be about getting by, you know, and sort of like, especially if you're already, I was talking to, not live up to the things you could do. And I totally struggle with that a lot because, um, like a lot of the stuff we do is already way better than majority of people. And so it's like, you know what it's like, it, it's like the guy who gets, um, famous before they were ready to be famous. Yeah. And everyone tells them how great they are, but really they're not that good. Yeah.

Yeah. And so they start to believe this thing without actually following through with what it takes to be that person, you know, the, the, um, and, and like you feel so bad for that person too, right. You know, at the end of the day, because it's like, it's like, it's one of my favorite things that you say, you're only held accountable for what you know, but once you know, you know, right. Well, yeah. So, so if they're, if they don't genuinely haven't learned that lesson yet, that's a really, really hard way to get that lesson is after you've gotten something that you don't deserve. That's a great point. And I noticed sometimes that people choose not to know, like they'll see it, but they're going to decide, Hey, I'm not going to know that because I'm not ready. Yeah. I'm not ready to cross the threshold. And honestly, I think we, we see that sometimes with the students who do turn over here. So, and that's why I say they all come back because eventually you become ready for it and you want it, you crave the critique, like you want to get better, but, but it can be a tough pill to swallow. So when you first hear the truth, sometimes you, you just, you're not ready.

Oh, it's so, it's so hard. I can't even speak from a personal place here. Like there's so many things that I've heard since being around here that I did not take well, you know, period. Like even in the masterclass, you and I recently had this conversation that was just like ground shattering that I'm sure you've given me the same information multiple times, but it finally sunk in recently. And, and I was able to post a video of myself today from our masterclass. And, and that was a big deal because I look back at that footage and I've actually never watched it or just any of the back footage. And the reason for that is I'm so insecure about the thing. And like you said, why wouldn't I use that resource? It's because I choose not to know. I don't want to look at myself being bad because when you look at yourself being bad, you have to be accountable for being better the next time.

Well, and you have to admit that you were bad. Yeah. You can't keep lying to yourself. But if you, if you don't acknowledge it, if you don't take the time to know, then you can keep lying to yourself and allow other people to lie to you and just take the compliment when you really don't deserve it. Yeah. Well, I think a lot of people in, in the entertainment world do that in a lot of areas.

I know for us growing up in a small town, like we were really good at, with, for our town, you know, for where we were. And that was, that meant we got all the time, like told how great we were and how great our stuff was. But it was for a place like Wickenburg and it, and it wasn't great at all. And it was bad theater. Like we were putting up really bad stuff and not acting well and hearing that you were doing really well. And it can, that can put a toll on you. Yeah. I mean, I think you're great. I mean, the fact that literally in my first masterclass here, and that was coming from Wickenburg, like it was a transition. It took a while to get into masterclass, but really the last like so-called acting, like real on stage acting was from Wickenburg. Right. And I got into your class and I straight up couldn't move my feet.

Right. That like, like that was the hardest thing I've ever been through. I could not move my feet and I was planted for 40 minutes on stage because I literally couldn't. Well, and we should give some context here. So the idea was I, at one point, because Joey wasn't listening, I wanted him to learn something. So I, I actually just made him plant his feet and then every lesson his, his scene partner had to act around him. It was so painful. It was painful, but it was very, very memorable. Like I remember that lesson, like the back of my head and it's one of the ones that sticks with me.

Well, you know, what's interesting there is as an audience member, and I think we can all relate to this. When you're watching someone go through that, it's painful for you. Cause you're like, just do it, just do the thing, you know? And then you're up there and you fight. But when it's somebody else, like, you're just like, come on, do it. Like he's just, it's so easy, you know?

Like, and then, then you go to do it and then you feel good for the people who get it and you're so thrilled for them. And it's weird. You're almost jealous of them. Cause you see these people that just kind of fly and you're like, Oh man, if only I like, if I were that good, that'd be like, no, they're just listening and allowing themselves to be directed. And they did the work. They did the correct work. Yeah. You know, I mean, we just had two castings here and it's, it's been, it's been one of those weeks where it's like, man, we're, we're manifesting just crazy success in every direction. It's the beginning of the year. And, and, and we're, and we're, you know, we're just grateful, but, but man, have we been busy, right? And we've been grinding. And so we've seen a lot of actors come in, come in here recently. And for this one callback, there was a role that was a tough comedic role. And, you know, Joey knows what I'm talking about. Cause he was in the room, but this one actor comes in and there were some good actors. There were some good people that got it. But this one guy, he did the work. Oh yeah. He wasn't even, he didn't even look the part cause they were going for, they were going for a particular like kind of quirky look. He didn't have that. No, but he understood the comedy. He did the work. He knew the lines like the back of his hand so that when he was given direction, he could take the direction without hesitation.

And that's what it takes. And I, and so many times the actors will see the role and instead of putting the work in, they, they going, they go and they spend hours thinking about what shirt they should wear. Or should I go buy a new polo for this? Because it's a golf ad. And the idea is like, no, you shouldn't. Like you need to pour into the script, understand what they want. Talent wins at the end of the day. It just does. And what was special? Sorry. I just want to add this. What was really special about that guy that stood out to me was he came in, he did that work. You could tell it. And he did that for the role that he was going for. Right. But he came in and he was asked to switch roles and he not only had his part memorized, he had the other part memorized. And so he had literally the full script memorized, looked through. It was clear he knew what he was doing. Like it's, it's crazy. The fact that he went in for one role and just took the time to go through everything just in case. And it paid off. Well, here's the deal to, to, to do his role correctly, to prepare for it correctly, you have to know the other roles. You have to know what the, what they're going for. He probably knew both scripts. Cause you have to, if you're given both scripts, look at both scripts, don't just look at yours. Right. Yeah. Understand what's the style of the director, you know, what's the style of the commercial, et cetera, like really dig. And when you do that kind of work, it separates you from everybody else. It's just a guarantee.

That is, that is such a crazy concept because I've never like heard it like that, but that's so it's almost common sense. It, it, well, you would think, but then, but then you go, why don't I do that? Oh, I didn't realize that I'm either lazy or selfish, or I'm just thinking about the wrong things. I'm focused on the wrong stuff. And it's not that I didn't mean to, but at the end of the day, I had excuses that came up and so I didn't prioritize it. And yet, and, and here's what kills me is when people say I did my best when they didn't do their best. Yeah. I don't care how good you are. If you do your best, good for you. But did you really do, did you really do your best or did you watch TV last night? Because if you watched TV at all, I'm talking about one minute of TV, then you didn't try your best to really prepare for the role. Right. And, and the person who didn't watch TV, but just obsessed over it before dinner, after dinner, before they went to bed, when they woke up, that's the person who did their best. And now whether they get it or not, I don't know. Sometimes that's out of their hands, but they did their best and they can actually say, I did my best. And that, and that's, that's that whole thing about not making excuses. You know, um, just this morning I was called out on something and I, you guys know this about me. I've graduated to this place where I get excited about critique. And that's what I think is the Holy grail for everybody. If you can just get excited about critique. And I'm going to tell you, I feel just like you feel. I really do. I feel pain. I feel hurt. I feel embarrassment. I feel all those things. The difference is I've learned to admit it, to acknowledge it, to bring it to the light. So basically what happened was, as you guys know, I'm committed to writing this second book. I've already written it. It's now time to edit and it's hard. It's really hard. I'm in, I'm in chapter three and for whatever reason, this chapter has gotten to me a little bit. And you know, it's funny. The chapter title is focused. And so I'm having a hard time focusing, I'm having a hard time finding that angle. And you know, when you dig into news and this and that, and you're trying to make these, these big decisions about what's going to go in the book, sometimes you can, you know, get distracted. So I had convinced myself that I was going to be doing some next level, good creative work that was going to help the studio and push us forward. And I was going to, you know, not write for a couple of days and just kind of get us, get us ahead. Cause we've been so busy and I came home and I just delivered this load of honestly BS to my wife. And she called me out. She was like, well, but don't, then you can, didn't you say you're going to write your book every day? I mean, are you, are you sure? And I, and I thought I was like, no, I'm really trying to do that. And then I stopped myself mid sentence. And I'm like, no, you're totally right. I have not been scheduling my days as diligently as I normally do. I haven't been journaling at night. I haven't been scheduling my weeks like all the way out to completion. And that's on me and I got to take accountability. And if I don't, I'm not going to finish the book. Yeah. And that's not okay because that is a non-negotiable. So I slapped myself on the wrist and then I did the hardest thing. And this is the thing that people don't do. I said, thank you to my wife for calling me out, for critiquing me, for being brave enough to not just say, Oh, it's okay, honey. Like it's fine. I hate it when people say it's fine. It's not fine. Don't tell me it's fine when I'm slacking off. Correct me, please. Cause if you can help me get back on track, I love you for that because it's hard for you to do. So I say, thank you immediately. And then I reiterate it. I reiterate it. And I say, please keep doing that because I want, I need you to refine me. I use this example with her today. I said, babe, if we choose to be, you and I are two knives, two very sharp knives, two very powerful knives. And if we start grinding against each other, we're going to get so sharp. I mean, it's like we can, we can sharpen each other every single day, but both of us have to want it. We have to, we have to want to get better. We have to, we have to thank the other person. And then, and if we started doing that instead of, instead of hurting each other, we are going to both become stronger and both become better. I thought it was such a great metaphor. Yeah, totally. And, and the thing about that is like, like that's so hard about it is when you don't get thanked because then it becomes like, you're already the bad guy. It doesn't feel good to call somebody out. That's the truth. But like you said, it comes from love. And when it's coming from that place, that makes it so much harder to not be appreciated. And that's something that I have done to you and, and so many people in my life multiple times where honestly I'll hear it, but I'm so upset by it. And like having, struggling coming to terms with it and, and working through that, that I just won't acknowledge that it happened. And that's, it's terrible because you're, and, and, and, and I'm not going to say you, but, but people also, they, they lash out also at the person who delivered the information. So right. And not only do you, do you not thank them, but a lot of times people will actually hurt the person that's trying to help them. And then what happens is, see, I'm trying to condition my wife, correct me. I want to condition her. So I want to, I need, it's like, you know, you got to give, you got to give the dog a cookie when he rings the bell. Right. So like, that's what I want. If, if I get mad at her when she corrects me and she's correct, then next time she might not. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She'll absolutely stop doing it. There's no, there's no reason to, and this is, this is, it's, it is so hard. It's really hard. And it's about when you talk about conditioning, it's about making the choice continuously until it becomes that new habit until it becomes a thing. Cause I know like even we, we, we had stuff today and I did it today. You know, I let negativity win today. And, um, it, I, like you guys were helping, you were helping with chaos stuff to help get shows things. And, and there were negative thoughts going on in my mind and I was letting those negative thoughts win. And worse than that, I wasn't even saying anything about it. And then Joey helped.

And then you think that we can't hear it or feel it, but you can, but of course we can. And then once we call you out on it, you don't admit it. So then now you're lying and then it just dog piles on top of itself. But to your credit, if I could say this, you've gotten much better at, at, at correcting that stuff quickly. And you came outside and you, and you've dealt with both of us and you just admitted, Hey, this is what's true. And you know, that's a big step. I mean, that's a big deal. And it puts you in a new frame where I say, you know, there's a guy that says, pit, don't, don't send a pigeon to Eagle school, you know, which I think is a great saying. It's like, yeah, you know, you, his point was hire the right people. Yep. You know, and I agree with that. However, I also firmly believe that everybody's got an Eagle inside them. The difference is you just can't, you can't force it. You have, they have to find it for themselves and you can, you can lead them to water, but they got to drink themselves, you know? Yeah. And so, um, so to your credit, you're stepping into that role now and you were stepping up to that thing. And the more you just be where you are and be okay with where you are, the better and the smoother this whole ride's going to be. Yeah, absolutely. We sat there today, but this morning, my wife just looked at me and she's like, this is hard. And I was like, yeah, babe. And it gets harder. That's just the truth of it. But if, but if you stick with me, it's, it's, it's, it's the hardest thing and the most joyful way to live ever once you figure it out. Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent. I mean, we, we see it in you, you know, as, as our leader, you know, it's, it's tough to make the decisions that you make. And, and I can speak because I'm trying to make some of the same decisions, like getting up early and like, um, creating Bible habits and, and doing pushups and all that. And it's hard. And I've failed like, like I haven't gotten past day two yet. It's the truth. You know, it's not easy. And like you said, it doesn't get easier. So don't expect it to. And just like, just like what happened to me this morning, you're, you're not immune. I'm not immune. We will tell lies to ourselves. We have to call ourselves out on it. And we have to get excited when someone does that for us and helps us, but then we have to acknowledge it immediately because that person's not going to be there every day, nor should they be. And if you needed someone to be there every day, then you don't belong in Eagle school. You got to go back because you had, you didn't graduate pigeon school yet. That's just the truth. I love this analogy. But if you, but if you figure it out, right, then it's like, as long as we're not teaching the same lesson, the same lesson, the same lesson, like then we can teach new lessons. That's fine.

Yeah. Can I talk about an Eagle real quick? Talk about what? Yeah. Talk about an Eagle. That's not here. Shea Toepel. Oh my goodness. So she, she's been, she's been coming of age for a while and we had this conversation and let me, you want to talk about hard conversations. We had a conversation and, and this sucks to say to somebody, but I was like, you're not there yet. I'm like, you're not there. You're not woke up yet.

I love you. Like you're coming. Like I can feel it. You want it, but you're not there yet. And I promise you, because you don't know, I just know you haven't felt what I feel yet. And there's no other way to describe it, but I can, I can sense it, you know? And then we had this conversation the other day and this was like post Christmas. She's been, she's been grinding and grinding and we have this conversation and she's, she was saying these things about, you know, life and wanting more time and this and that. And I was like, you can have more time. You got to choose it. You have to acknowledge what you're doing with your life every day. Yeah. It's your choice. And you got to, you got to really come to terms with that, you know, because you want to talk about job security.

No one's got job security. Right. But like, we, we want you around here. Like you're not going anywhere. Please. I hope, you know, but, but don't worry about that. Like, that's not the thing to worry about. The thing to worry about is, is like, are you getting better? And are you being honest about that? And I'll tell you what guys, like, it was scary to say that to her because she was working so hard, you know? But I was like, man, she deserves it. I like, I love her too much not to give her this information. And, and, oh, the last, oh my gosh, she's like a whole different human being. It's been like six days of just unbelievableness and she was already unbelievable. So then it's, it's like a, she's, she's not different other than the peace and the love and the, the joy. It's like, it's like effortless now. It looks effortless and you're like, wow.

And I know it's not cause I, I go through it too. So it's like, I know it's not effortless, but there's just this new gear. Like she shifted. I told her this, I'm like, you're going to shift into another gear that you didn't know existed. And she just did. Yeah. And it's so cool. And we all noticed it. Yeah. You know, that's, that's what's crazy is like you, you, when you take your mind off the thing, you say that a lot. When you take your mind off the thing, it comes to you.

And I think that's what happened is she, she was able to take that lesson that was hard for you to say. And over time, very quickly, it just found a way to incorporate it into her life. And we all see it. Yeah. It's crazy. You know, it's important to me when someone calls here because I, I firmly believe that it's not an accident when people find this place. There's, there's, there's something about it that they were supposed to be here and we're supposed to learn from them. And they're supposed to learn from us. Like, I don't believe in the accident of it. So it's important to me when, when people feel called here and whatnot. And, and it's interesting because when she started, um, I, I just flat out told her, you're going to lose us money. You're going to lose us clients.

And it's okay because there's, I have to teach you to do this stuff. And so she would do it, you know, and she learned and whatnot, but she was very anxious, you know, and wanted to do right and wanted to be good. And I didn't care about any of that stuff. I don't, you know, I want to do right by the client, but she, she wanted to do good for her. And I'm like, yeah, good, but, but, but no, you know, and, and then this is the hardest thing, you know, you, you watch it. So like, for instance, she'd be on the phone and she, and she'd hang up and be like, and she, I could tell she was excited. Like she did a great job, you know, and it wasn't good, but she thought it was good. And that's the hardest news to deliver when someone thinks they're doing good. And then you have to inform them, Hey, no, actually you missed the boat. It's very deflating. It is. Yeah. I've, I've had to do it in the, in the teaching environment and it's like it, you can see it. You see like the light go out of someone for a second, like you give it to them. And some people, again, they don't and others, cause it's a life acting. And that's why you have to be careful when someone's ready. Cause not everybody's going to be ready for that, you know? And, and so you, sometimes you have to, you have to give the truth one piece at a time, you know, as someone could handle it.

But, but Shea, I was like, you know, I need her to handle it now. You know, she's my, she's, she's our girl, like she's here. And, and so we did that. And then, you know, you think about this, like she would even get, you get like a signup, you know, and it'd be like that's celebration. Like, no, cause I don't care about signup. Like, I don't care about that. I care about your personal growth and your, the call just because they signed up your call. You weren't better than the last time. Yeah. And then that's deflating. Right. But anyway, I'm telling the story because I sat there today and I'm sitting at the table and I don't even know who she was talking to or why, but I just listened to the amount of calmness and the, the sense of, of ease and joy and love.

And it was so smooth and easy. And it wasn't, she wasn't saying too much or the rhyme. It was, it's just, ah, I just love the sound of that phone call. And I was just, I think I told you guys, I said, that's not the same human being that I knew. And, and, and she, she's in the next gear and it's so freaking exciting. And, and, and I, I don't know. I just, I love watching people transform and being a part of that process. I mean, nothing gives me more happiness.

Well, that's, that's why we do what we do. Right. We've talked about that even, even before we, like you, you specifically woke up, like since the beginning, it's been about helping other people grow. It's been about like, um, developing them as a person and we're leaning more into the personal development now, but it all the way since the beginning, it hasn't been about acting. It's been like, you always have talked about this, like of all the people we're the most proud of, it's the kid who walked in and didn't say a word and his student council president. Now like those, the, the growth story. You're right. I've said that from day one and we have on our initial notes for our meetings back into that 2007, January, 2007, I wrote it out. Tony Robbins phrase, can I constant and never ending improvement? I've always believed in it and I've always wanted it and I've always pushed it. And then, but, but I know the reason we didn't lean into it. And this is why I've been careful with you guys, especially you, Brian, because sometimes you try to get ahead of where you are. I do. I've been, I've been careful about this. I woke up February 2nd, 2018. The only thing I talked about, but it was months afterward was that the fact that I woke up, but because I knew that I made a decision and I was at forever change, but I didn't teach it yet because I hadn't earned it. That's the truth of it. Right. And now I can walk into a room and I know for a fact, there's nobody in the room who's been up and worked more hours than me. There's not a single person in the room, not one. And I know it to be a fact. And it's not even about the hours. It's just about the mindset of like, I know that, I mean, Will Smith says that thing, right? It's like either, either you're getting off the treadmill first or I'm going to die. And now I get that because I, cause now I'm like, dude, you might die. Cause I ain't, cause I ain't getting off. Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you that right now, Mr. Will Smith, you know, and as much as I love him and admire him, I'm like, I'm not scared of your work ethic anymore. Like now, but, but what I am scared of is the fact that he's earned it 30 years more than I have good for him and I'm behind him. I'm 28 years behind his work ethic and I could have been doing what he was doing and I didn't. Yeah. So I hold myself accountable for that. Cool. That's on me. That's not on him. He deserves all the success he gets. He figured it out quicker. Good for him.

Yeah. Yeah. So cool. Literally. And, and, and every elite human being like that has that connection where they've just decided that they have these non-negotiables that they go through every time and they're willing to put everything on the line for it. Yeah. For that work ethic, for that inability to make excuses. Yeah. And it's, it's the easiest thing to do is make an excuse. That's it really is. Yeah. All right. I hope everybody enjoyed the old podcast there. I've got, we've got so many more stories. I mean, it's like, I'm never ending here. Next podcast. If you guys remind me, I want to tell you a couple of stories that might happen with my kids. I thought were really cool. And if we don't get to that, we'll for sure teach that in the personal development workshop, which is coming up. Is it this set this next Saturday? So it's not tomorrow, but right. A week from Saturday, we've got the personal development workshop and in there I'm, I'm just going to, I'm going to just be very honest with everybody. And, and if you happen to be in the room, cause I know, I think we're going to be streaming that live and whatnot, but if you're in the room, you're going to get that one-on-one touch experience where, you know, you're going to get a chance to just say, Hey, here's where I'm at. And, and, and I'm, and I'm going to shoot you straight. I promise you, I'm going to give you the truth and you'll have the opportunity to make those choices right there in the room to level up because I believe anybody, anybody in the world can choose to move from pigeon school to Eagle school.

Thank you everybody for listening to the podcast. So motivational, have a deering day.